Talking to your ex about the kids: writing messages that don't start fights
The whole family, in a single app.
The family organiser for iPhone, Android and the browser, end-to-end encrypted. Free for a family of two parents.
After a separation, most conflict between parents doesn't come from the big decisions: it comes from everyday messages. A changed time, a badly phrased request, a sentence the other person reads as an accusation. And once written, a message stays — and gets reread.
Writing well to your children's other parent is a skill that can be learned. This guide offers a simple structure.
The principle: inform, don't persuade
A message between separated parents almost always has one of these purposes: informing (the school play is on Thursday), asking (can you have the kids on Saturday?), confirming (5pm is fine). It almost never needs to persuade the other person of anything, and messages that try are the ones that escalate.
The structure: brief, informative, friendly, firm
A good message has four qualities:
- Brief: three or four lines. Long messages always contain something extra.
- Informative: facts, dates, times, what's needed. No opinions about the other person.
- Friendly: a hello, a thank you. Not to win them over, but to lower the temperature.
- Firm: clear about what you're asking or saying, without endless justification.
Before and after
Before:
As usual you didn't tell me anything about the trip and I heard it from the teacher. I'll bring them on Saturday at 6 because the trip finishes late, if that's a problem for you, too bad.
After:
Hi, Saturday's class trip finishes at 5:30: I'll bring the kids at 6 instead of 5. I've put the trip in the calendar. Thanks.
The second message says everything needed and contains nothing to respond badly to.
What to leave out
- The past: "as usual", "last time", "always"
- Absolute words: never, always, nothing
- Assumptions about intentions: "you did it on purpose"
- New partners, unless the issue genuinely concerns the children's logistics
- Children as messengers: no "tell your dad"
When you get an aggressive message
Reply only to the practical part, with the same structure, and ignore the rest. If there's no practical part, often no reply is needed. Waiting a few hours before answering a message that makes you angry is almost always a good idea.
One channel, next to the information
Many messages can be avoided entirely when the information is already somewhere both of you can see. If the trip is in the shared calendar, the message becomes unnecessary. If the instructions for a medicine are in a shared note, nobody has to ask.
For the messages that remain, one written channel dedicated to the children's logistics works best: a family chat separate from personal chats keeps conversations in order and next to the calendar and documents.
When you need help
If every exchange, even well written, escalates, a family mediator can help, or moving to a parallel parenting model with minimal contact. Where there are threats or violence, the right references are a lawyer and the relevant authorities.
In short
Inform, don't persuade. Brief, informative, friendly and firm messages, without the past, absolute words or assumptions. Reply only to the practical part, move information into a shared calendar and notes, and use a single written channel. Children don't read your messages — but they feel the climate those messages create.
The tools this article talks about
Read next
Co-parenting boundaries that protect your peace of mind
Midnight messages, decisions made alone, arguments that always drift back to the past. Six practical boundaries for co-parenting that doesn't wear you down.
Parallel parenting: what it is and when it works better than co-parenting
When every conversation with your ex turns into conflict, collaborating more isn't the answer. Parallel parenting keeps contact to a minimum and puts everything in writing.
Shared custody schedules: week on week off, 2-2-3, 5-2 and more
How the most common schedules for dividing children's time between two homes work, which ages and situations they suit, and how to turn them into a readable calendar.